


Weird Enough to Survive

by comicgeekery



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reverse Falls, Comedic Violence, F/M, Grunkles are Uncles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-17 15:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13661811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comicgeekery/pseuds/comicgeekery
Summary: It's a different Gravity Falls. One where Stan performs dangerous magic tricks in a show tent every night, Mabel dabbles in poisons, Dipper is a public menace, and Ford is known only as the man who almost ended the world. Everyone fears the Pines in this reality, and with good reason. Too bad the Pines still need someone to clean up after them.Mika is just the latest in a line of idiots willing to work as housekeeper at The Mystery Manor. It's a life-threatening career. One by one the family will test her in their own ways to see if she is weird enough to survive.





	1. Mika

**Chapter One**

There was no doubt that the Mystery Manor was odd. It was tall and broad, dark and bright, and always somewhere between imposing and falling apart. The people of Gravity Falls said that the place was full of witches and warlocks. It was hardly a rumor. 

Mr. Mystery himself was fond of saying he was the wickedest warlock on the west coast and he put on magic shows himself three times a day. He also bragged that he could curse any hecklers, so showgoers were better off buying protection amulets in the gift shop afterward. 

The woods around the house were full of poisonous plants and deadly animals. No one was sure if they were put there on purpose or if the Pines simply attracted danger. Mabel Pines was said to explore the woods most often, determined to make the world’s deadliest bouquet and befriend every man-eating beast. 

Mason Pines was the family member most often seen in town. He called himself Dipper for arcane reasons no one dared to question and he dedicated his days to stalking teenagers and tempting them towards the dark arts. Given the maturity of his targets, this was never very hard.

Finally there was the most mysterious member of the family: Dr. Stanford Pines. No one knew much about him aside from the facts that he had six fingers on each hand, he rarely left the house, and he had once nearly destroyed the entire world. People stayed away from Dr. Pines.

Today there was a woman standing standing in front of the Mystery Manor, carrying a duffel bag and covered in sweat and dirt. It was not easy to approach the Manor in one piece. The fact that she had made it that far was impressive by itself. 

In the woman’s pocket there was a piece of paper that she had long since memorized. It read, “Wanted: One housekeeper. Applicants should be neat, orderly, and willing to give up all earthly ties. Liars particularly encouraged. Don’t be squeamish.”

Neat. Orderly. Well, the woman knew she wasn’t living up to those standards at the moment. She could only hope her would-be employers could be understanding about the fight she’d just had with a venomous tree to get here. She flattened her hair as best she could and marched to the front door, ready to knock.

“Look out, world!” called a voice suddenly. “Waddles is about to show us what a lady-killer he can be!”

The woman looked for who was speaking, then leapt aside just in time to avoid being trampled by a boar the size of a car. The woman just had time to register that the boar was wearing a baseball cap with a pine tree on it before the thing was charging at her again, its horns ready to impale. She wasn’t sure she would be lucky enough to dodge again.

So instead she screamed. Loudly. Half out of fear and half out of a wild urge to hit the stupid boar right in its stupid face with her duffel bag. Luckily for everyone involved, someone heard her. Not an instant too soon the woman was yanked through the front door of the Mystery Manor. 

The first thing she noticed when she was inside was that she was in very large, rough hands. She looked up the man who was holding her. He wasn’t very tall, but he was broad with enormous, intimidating arms. He had thick, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and an eyepatch over his right eye. He looked down at her with an annoyed frown. 

“The show’s not until five and it’s out in the big tent. You had better have a good reason for bothering me and the family off hours, lady.”

Her heart was still pounding, so it took a moment for her to string her words together. “I...You...You’re Mr. Mystery.”

Stanley Pines snorted in response. “Yer darn right I am. Now who are you and why are you wasting my time?”

“My name is Mika Susan. I...I saw your ad in the paper. I’m here to ask about being your housekeeper.”

“Really?” Stan finally let her go and looked her up and down in surprise. The woman was tall with a full hourglass-shaped body and a thick brown ponytail. She didn’t look like the type of person to have a death wish, but then again few people did. 

“Huh,” Stan went on. “I figured we’d scared away the last of the applicants with the carnivorous paste incident last month.”

“The what incident?” Mika asked nervously.

“Don’t worry about it!” He smiled and guided her to the kitchen. There he picked up a pile of cleaning supplies and dropped them on the table. “Do you know how to use these?”

“Um...yes?”

“Great, you’ve got the job!”

Mika breathed out a sigh of relief. She’d been hoping that getting the job would be the easy part. Now all she had to do was--

“Not so fast, Stanley!” boomed an authoritative voice. A man suddenly emerged from the shadows behind Stan. Mika jumped, but managed to keep herself from screaming again. The man looked extremely similar to the famous Mr. Mystery, though he wasn’t nearly as muscular and he wore his hair shorter. Then with a start Mika noticed that the man had six fingers on each hand. She had just barely arrived and she was already meeting the elusive Dr. Stanford Pines! Goosebumps spread across her flesh. She had to stay calm. Otherwise she might never survive this encounter with the most dangerous member of the Pines family. 

“You’re actually going to invite a stranger to _live in our house_ and _touch our things_ on the basis of her knowing what some cleaning products are for?” Ford threw up his hands in frustration. “This is how we keep winding up with dead housekeepers, Stan!”

Mika bit her lip. “Wait, I’d be expected to live here if I get the job?”

Ford glanced at her and adjusted his glasses. “Yes, well, it would save you the trouble of commuting through the woods everyday. Statistically, that more than doubles your chances of surviving the first week.”

“Oh. I...I see.”

Stan and Ford exchanged a look that Mika couldn’t quite read. She got the feeling it wasn’t good though.

“Listen, lady,” Stan said gruffly, “this ain’t a job for the faint of heart. You’ll be cleaning and stuff sure, but this is also a house where weird things happen everyday. A lot of it’s dangerous. You need to be clever, quick on your feet, have a good survival instinct, and definitely have a bit of luck. If you’ve got all that and a knack for laughing off near-death experiences, then you’ll fit right in.”

“Basically what we’re saying,” Ford added, “is do you think you’re weird enough to live here?”

It was, considering the many, _many_ rumors about the Pines family, a fair question. Mika was new to Gravity Falls. She lacked any sort of reputation, weird or otherwise. On first glance she looked like just an average woman who would soon realize she was in over her head.

The thing was, Mika already knew all that. She’d come normal. She’d dressed normal. She’d walked through a dangerous forest with the most normal of strides. 

But she’d also come to The Mystery Manor with a purpose. And that purpose was to never be normal again. All she had to do was prove it.

Mika took a deep breath and looked the twins square in the eye, one after the other. “Take me to your library.” 

Ford and Stan exchanged another look, this one more intrigued than before. “Well,” Ford said, “this one will be interesting at least.”


	2. Soos

**Chapter Two**

“Aaaah!” Mika shrieked in horror at what she saw. 

Ford and Stan exchanged a look. They were used to strangers screaming in their home. The screaming didn’t usually happen as early as the library though.

“Is there...something wrong?” Ford asked carefully.

“How can you people _live_ like this?!” Mika cried. “Look at these books! Do you even care about them?”

She gestured emphatically at the shelves and desks around them. Books were in haphazard piles all over the place, many teetering precariously. Spines were cracked. Pages were dogeared. Three books were laying open and face down in a dried puddle of spilled coffee. Mika took a closer look at some of the titles and flat-out growled.

“These aren’t even cheap books! These are leather-bound antiques! You monsters! How could you do this to them?!”

Stan couldn’t restrain himself any longer. He burst out laughing and soon was holding on to Ford for support. “You hear that, Sixer? She already thinks we’re monsters, but it ain’t for any of my tricks or your experiments. Nope! It’s how we treat _books_ of all things!”

He continued to laugh heartily, but next to him Ford’s expression was hard to read. “Stanley...were _you_ the one who spilled coffee on my first editions?”

It took a moment for Stan’s laughter to subside. He went from a roar to a guffaw to a self-conscious chuckle. “Um...Nope! Definitely going to blame that one on Gompers.”

“You can’t just blame your familiar for everything, Stan!”

“It’s worked so far! That and...smokescreens!” Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and Stan disappeared. Mika was alarmed but tried to hide it. Even normal people could use smoke pellets. It wasn’t like he had done _magic_ or anything.

“Damnit, Stan, you won’t get away this time!” Ford snapped his fingers and disappeared in a sudden burst of blue fire. 

Alright. That was different. Mika took a deep breath. Well, no one had told her to leave and Stan _had_ told her she had the job earlier. She decided it was best to act like she was hired until someone told her otherwise. 

The first thing to do was explore while she had a chance. Mika reached for the library door, then hesitated. The place really _was_ a mess. Maybe she could just neaten up a _few_ books first…

Twenty minutes later Mika realised she’d been suckered in by her greatest weakness: reading weird things. She slammed shut the book she was browsing about wish-granting octopuses and quickly shelved the rest of a pile of books that had been making her arm go numb for a quarter of an hour now. There! That was a decent start at least. Now she really needed to start taking a look around before she got distracted again.

Naturally, this meant that she was immediately distracted again as a large man came crashing suddenly through the ceiling. Fortunately he landed on the sofa, but Mika still had a minor heart attack from all the dust and debris that flooded from the ceiling onto the bookcases. She wanted to rage at this monstrous defiler of literature, but that would be rude. After all, Mika was still new to the household.

Instead she walked toward the man and timidly asked, “Hey, are you okay?”

The young man looked to be in his late teens. He had a broad figure and some very prominent front teeth. Besides that, something about him seemed off. He wore teal and black like the rest of the household, but instead of an elegant suit or even a nice vest like Stan and Ford had worn he just had on black shorts and a teal t-shirt with a large question mark on it. 

He rolled off of the sofa and sprang to his feet, seemingly unharmed. “Sorry about that, dude! I was just crawling around in the vents trying to get out the last of the gnome infestation. I’ll fix the ceiling right away.” Then he seemed to get a good look at Mika for the first time. “Hey dude! You’re, like, new around here, aren’t you, dude? It’s nice to meet ya! My name is Soos!” He held out his hand for her to shake.

Instantly Mika was on high alert. This wasn’t right! No one in the family was supposed to be this friendly! This had to be some sort of trap.

While Mika glared at Soos’ outstretched hand, Soos took the moment in stride. “Right, sorry, I always forget about the handshake rule! How about we fist bump instead? There won’t be any real explosions, but we can still be all ‘ka-pooooooow’ when we’re done, yo.”

To demonstrate, Soos held out his own fist then took Mika’s and pressed them together then quickly apart with a very satisfying ‘ka-pow’ sound effect.

Mika shook her head incredulously. “Who _are_ you?”

“I’m the handyman!” Soos said proudly, with his hand on his hips like he was a superhero. “I fix stuff breaks around the house and the Mystery Tent. It’s important because the Pineses break a _lot_ of stuff.” He leaned closer and whispered. “You may not have known this, but they’re _magic_ ” He straightened. “Anyway, what brings you around here? Did you volunteer for one of Dr. Pines’ experiments?”

“Definitely not,” Mika said firmly. “I’m Mika, the new housekeeper.”

“That’s rad, dude. And good call on not being an experiment. Dr. Pines is cool and all, but I still crave brains, like, at _least_ once a week after the last time.” Suddenly Soos sniffed at her head. “By the way, are you sure you need _all_ of your brain? Because I could really go for a bite!” 

Mika quickly stepped away and changed the subject. “So, handyman huh? You must really know your way around here past all the traps and stuff.”

“Sure do!”

“Great! Do you think you could give me a tour?”

And to Mika’s amazement it really was that simple. Soos showed her around the whole house, at least on a surface level. There were a lot of rooms they didn’t actually go into. Soos claimed the attic was too haunted to enter without special equipment, the ballroom was occupied with an angry centaurtaur, and going into the kids’ room had a 50% chance of putting your brain in another person’s body.

Mika noticed that Soos didn’t make any mention of where Stan or Ford slept. When she asked about it, Soos just shrugged. 

“Mr. Pines and Dr. Pines like to keep a lot of secrets. They might sleep in the Sometimes rooms or maybe they don’t actually sleep at all. I dunno.”

“Hmm.” Mika mulled that over. “It must be strange working for such a weird family. What do you think of them?”

Soos practically lit up. “Oh, the Pines family is great! I’ve been working for Mr. Pines for years, since he and his brother moved here. Mr. Pines is a real joker with his magic tricks but he’s also always really nice to me when it’s important. He’s like a dad to me! Or a fairy godfather!

“The kids are really sweet too, once you get to know them. Mabel’s always making new foods for me to try and Dipper likes to play games like ‘Find the Active Current’.” He paused. “By the way, maybe don’t eat Mabel’s food right away. It takes a tough stomach. And some antidotes. You need to get used to it in small doses.”

“I...Okay. Noted.” Mika shivered as she remembered all the rumors of Mabel being obsessed with poisonous flowers. Had any of the former housekeepers lost their jobs, or even their lives, to Mabel’s cooking? Nevermind the apparent electrocution Dipper had in store for them. No wonder this was such a dangerous job. They hadn’t even gotten to the most feared member of the household yet.

“So what do you think of Dr. Pines?” Mika asked.

Soos hesitated. “Well, he definitely keeps me on my feet.”

“What do you mean?”

Before he could answer a small goat trotted in front of them, seemingly out of nowhere. Instantly a large bookcase swung open in front of them, revealing a staircase down and a furious-looking Ford Pines. He was wielding a crossbow and half his hair was sticking straight up, as though someone with barnyard sensibilities had recently licked him. 

“I’ve got you now, Gompers!” Ford yelled, before firing at the goat. Unfortunately his bolt had no effect. Instead of hitting Gompers, it ricocheted off of some sort of force field and hit Soos squarely in the throat. Mika screamed as blood began to squirt from the wound.

Ford stared at Mika in surprise. “Oh. You’re still here. I had assumed you run off as soon as we left you alone. Are you, um, settling in alright?”

_Keep calm,_ Mika reminded herself. _Everything depends on staying calm._ “Dr. Pines, I believe your handyman is dying. Should we do something about it?”

“Hmm? Oh! Yes.” Ford rolled up his sleeves and walked over to where Soos was clutching at his throat. “Try to hold still, Soos. This bit is going to sting a little.” With that Ford yanked out the bolt with one pull and Soos let out a gurgling shriek. His pain was silenced a moment later as Ford took out a white roll of gauze and slapped the end of it onto Soos’ wound. Within seconds Soos stopped wriggling and sat up like nothing had happened.

“Whew! Thanks, dude. That one was a doozy!” Soos said with unnerving amounts of cheer.

Ford waved off the thanks. “It’s no trouble. These things happen. I really should have realized Stan would put a protection spell on his familiar. I’m just not used to him actually being responsible about these things.” Then Ford glanced at Mika and bit his lip, like he wasn’t sure what to say to explain what she’d just seen.

Mika decided to take the lead. “What was that you put on Soos’ throat? That couldn’t have been regular gauze, right?”

“These are call Soos Strips!” Ford explained excitedly. “They seal wounds completely and then accelerate the healing process by 300%! They’re called Soos Strips because, well, he sort of needs them a lot.”

“So, how do work this crossbow, dude? Wait, I think I’ve got it…” Thwang! “Oops. Nope. There’s just an arrow in my eye now.”

Ford sighed and quickly administered a bit more first aid. Next he handed the roll of gauze to Mika. “Keeping Soos alive takes up too much of my day, even after I deadened his nerves. I leaving you in charge of fixing him up now. Just make sure you don’t leave him alone with the roll. He tends to eat it. Tastes like brains apparently.”

Mika nodded and quickly took the roll, already thinking more about how it might help to keep her alive than Soos. 

“Oh, and one more thing,” Ford added. He drew a black wand from his pocket, swirled it around Mika, then tapped her on the head. Suddenly she was surrounded by bright, burning blue flames! They burned at her, but before she could even comprehend the pain they were gone. 

There was something different now. Mika looked down and realized she was in a completely different outfit. She now had on black slacks, a black vest, and a black tie, all highlighted by a bright teal button-down shirt. She realized with a sudden shiver that she was wearing the Pines’ colors now, like they owned her. 

Ford himself seemed to need to pause for thought as he looked her over. Then he caught himself and looked away. “Anyway, now you have your uniform. Try not to get blood on it. Well, not _excessive_ blood. The outfit will absorb the usual amounts. At any rate, I need to get back to work. I’ll be in the lab if anyone needs me!”

With that he opened up the bookcase again by pulling on a series of spines. He hurried down the stairs and out of sight.

Behind him, Mika just smiled, already over the several traumatic events she’d just experienced. There was only one thought in her mind.

_So that’s where the lab is…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry! Soos is fine and nothing suspicious is going on at all!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story! Please let me hear your thoughts in the comments!


	3. Dipper

**Chapter Three**

Mika spent her first week learning the ins and outs of her job. The cleaning was easy as long as she didn’t think too much about the alarming blood-like stains that showed up all over the house. She also learned quickly to carry a hammer around with her. There was no telling when a candy monster or a gnome or a hide-behind might attack. 

Her cleaning had an odd rotation to it. Every day she had to check with Soos to see what rooms were safe to enter. (Soos was the only person who seemed to look out for her well-being in that regard.) The rest of the family was still frustratingly distant. They always seemed to be running off to do mysterious things in the forest or down in the lab where Mika wasn’t allowed.

Things began to change at the start of her second week when she came into the kitchen and found the whole family seated around the table. They’d been laughing before she came in. In an instant they switched to collectively watching her with dark, suspicious eyes. It made Mika’s skin begin to crawl. Maybe it would be better if she waited a bit longer to take her lunch break. 

“I suppose, since Soos will be busy, you could always ask Mika if she’ll help you,” Ford said with obvious indecision. 

“What? Seriously, Uncle Ford?” It was one of the children. Mason. 

Mika quickly spun away from the fridge and her plateful of items that were probably food. (She’d learned the hard way not to assume such things were a given.) “Did you need something, sirs?”

Mason ignored her. “But what if I need help getting past the barfing fairies? Or the plaidipus? Can’t you come, Uncle Ford?”

“Mason, my boy--”

“Dipper. I want everyone to call me Dipper now. It’s cooler.”

Stan and Mabel snorted at that but didn’t say anything. They were, however, each watching the conversation with intense interest.

Ford sighed. “Very well. Dipper, I fully trust you to be able to handle the obstacles of the forest on your own by this point. That was the entire purpose of the Deadly Inferno camp we set up for you and Mabel last summer. You don’t need me along and it will good practice to seem if Mika can survive in the wild. Besides, I have work I should be focusing on down in my...Is something wrong, Dipper?”

Dipper was looking down now in obvious disappointment. He sighed and it had a slight hitch to it. “It...It’s nothing, Uncle Ford. I just thought it would be nice to spend some _time_ together. You know, like I would with a _parent_.” Then he looked up at Ford with eyes that were wide and pleading. “Can’t we just spend some time bonding? Please, Uncle Ford?”  
Ford looked helplessly back and then sagged with defeat. “Very well, but I--”

“Thanks, Uncle Ford! I’ll go get my stuff!” Dipper ran from the room before Ford could start to change his mind.

The others burst out laughing. “You really let the kid get you with that ‘parent’ card, Sixer!” Stan said. “When are you gonna learn not to be such a sap?”

“Probably around the time you acquire some morals,” Ford muttered back. He glanced at Mabel. “How about you? Are you going to try and guilt me into anything else while we’re at it?”

Mabel gently placed her hands on the table in front of her and smiled angelically. “Oh no, Uncle Ford! I’d never do something like _that_.” Both of her uncles rolled their eyes. “But I _was_ thinking it might be nice of you to still take Mika along for your trip. She _does_ need to get to know the forest after all!”

Stan looked at his niece suspiciously. “And what do you care about us training up new staff?”

She shrugged. “This one keeps the house pretty clean and doesn’t try and go in me and Dipper’s room. I’d like her to stick around for a while, that’s all.”

During all this, Mika had been standing to the side, holding still in case the family remembered she was there. This was the most she’d seen the Pines interact since she’d arrived and she was extremely curious about them. She didn’t understand all the subtext of the conversation she’d just heard, but now she was cautiously optimistic. Mabel seemed to like her, at least a little bit. 

Mika chuckled and every head in the room swivelled to stare at her. Mika quickly bit her lip. “So, ah, should I get changed for a bit of a hike, then?”

“I suppose,” Ford said reluctantly. Mika squeaked as he snapped his fingers and her clothes burst into blue flames, quickly settling into black cargo shorts and a teal t-shirt.

_Looks like I’m still in the family colors,_ Mika thought with mild annoyance. What was their obsession with dressing so morosely? It was one of the many dozens of questions she had about the Pines family. Today she was determined to start getting some answers.

An hour later Mika was hiking through the woods with Ford and Dipper. It was a surprisingly pleasant experience. It was a beautiful autumn day and nothing had attacked them yet. Mika wasn’t sure if that was thanks to luck or the Pines’ skill at navigating the forest. After all, everyone in Gravity Falls knew that the woods were lousy with supernatural threats that could kill or curse you without a moment’s hesitation. Only a family as crazy as the Pines would dare to venture out into it.

She also couldn’t help rolling her eyes when she realized that Dipper and Ford hadn’t bothered to change out of their black and teal suits. Ford had a long, black jacket over his and Dipper wore a bright, shining blue pendant at his neck. Aside from that, the two were practically identical. Honestly, you’d have thought they were each other’s twins. 

“So, what’s today’s mission?” Mika finally asked. She was scared to start acting bold but she was even more bored to be keeping quiet.

Dipper and Ford exchanged a look with raised eyebrows. Just what sort of shrinking violets were they used to working with? Still, Dipper smiled at her and it was only mildly unnerving. “We’re going treasure hunting!”

“Oh really, what for?”

Dipper looked away quickly, his cheeks turning red. “That’s not important. I’m just, uh, getting a present for a friend. I thought they’d like it.”

Ford chuckled lightly. “Is this present perhaps for Stanley’s red-haired assistant? Mabel did say something about you being infatuated with her.”

“I don’t have a crush on Wendy!” Dipper yelped much too loudly for anyone to believe him. “It’s for...someone else.”

Mika suppressed a laugh. A knot loosened in her gut. For all their strange ways, it seemed that the Pines dealt with normal problems like crushes too. It was reassuring. Maybe she could stand to live with them after all without always fearing for her well-being. 

Just then Dipper turned and aimed a crossbow at her. Mika had no idea where the crossbow had come from or how Dipper could have possibly concealed it, but she froze in place and hoped he didn’t have a twitchy trigger finger. 

“Don’t you two laugh at me, alright?” Dipper said in tone that suggested exasperation and not contemplated homicide. “Mabel’s given me enough grief about my love life as it is.”

For the first time, Mika noticed that Dipper wasn’t just threatening her, but also his uncle with the crossbow. Ford had his hands up next to Mika, but it looked more like he was doing it to humor his nephew than out of any real sense of fear.

“It’s alright, my boy, I understand,” Ford said gently. “I promise we won’t tease you.”

That seemed to be enough to satisfy Dipper. He loosened his grip on his weapon and it turned into a blue mist that flowed into the broach at his throat. Mika stared as she suddenly realized that the broach had to be some sort of magical amulet. Mabel tended to wear a similar one in her hair. Did it also have magical properties? Mika wasn’t about to ask. She was starting to get on friendlier terms with the family, but she suspected the roots of their magic would be a closely guarded subject. If she wanted the to trust her, she had to act like everything they did was no big deal. That included spontaneous threats to her life. 

Ford was the first to pick up the conversation again. “So _Dipper_ ,” he said deliberately, “why the sudden fixation on being cool? You’ve never seemed particularly concerned with passing fads before.”

It was true, according to Mika’s knowledge. Dipper was known for things like luring the town’s children into the graveyard and telling them stories that made them run screaming into the night. Rumor had it that young Pacifica Northwest could no longer wear red gloves without seeing blood on her hands, thanks to a particularly gruesome ghost story Dipper had once told her.

By all accounts Dipper was at best a troublemaker and at worst a demon in human form. He taunted people with his strange, cackling laughter and his magical tricks that were said to drive people mad at his uncle’s shows. He may have just been twelve, but Dipper Pines was already someone not to be messed with lightly.

Just then Dipper sneezed. Mika was astonished that he sounded like a kitten.

“I dunno,” he answered his Uncle Ford self-consciously. “It’s just, I met these teenagers through Wendy and they all seemed pretty neat. One of them even has parents that work at a funeral home. We’ve been hanging out lately and...well…”

“You want them to like you?” Mika blurted out. She hoped she didn’t sound too surprised.

Dipper looked away, blushing deeply. “I guess. Mabel’s always been good at finding friends. Not many people hang out with me after they find out about my magic. Kids usually think it’s creepy when I talk to ghosts and raise the dead and stuff.”

“You… _raised the dead?!_ ”

“Once!” He threw up his hands in exasperation. “And, yeah okay, it ruined the party, but people really need to move on already!”

Ford chuckled. “Well, at least that party proved to be a good learning experience, not to mention some of the best fun I’ve had singing karaoke!” He paused to put a hand on Dipper’s shoulder. “As for these new friends of yours, I’m happy that you’ve found a group of people that accept you for who you are. Now, are _they_ perhaps the reason that we’re doing this little treasure hunt today?”

“Kinda.” Dipper blushed again. “One of them’s been having trouble with some kind of monster lately. I thought it might be nice if I got them a protective charm.”

“A capital idea,” Ford agreed. He turned to Mika. “Be sure to pay attention on this little excursion, I’m sure you’ll find it to be very educational!”

She smiled. “Thank you. I’m looking forward to it.”

For the rest of their walk the conversation was casual and surprisingly friendly. Mika found that Dipper and Ford spoke more to each other than to her, but it was still pleasant to find that they were willing to include her whenever she spoke up. Dipper looked to her for approval from time to time. Ford’s glances were shy but kind. Were these really the monsters she’d heard so many horror stories about?

All too soon, she got to find out.

They finally stopped outside the well-hidden entrance of a cave.

“Alright, so how do you want to do this?” Ford asked Dipper. “It’s your mission after all.”

“Mika and I will go through the front and try to get to the hoarde ourselves. You sneak in through the back and help us out if things go wrong.” Dipper spoke with authority but still looked to his uncle for approval. He smiled when Ford nodded.

“So what, exactly, will we be doing?” Mika finally had to ask. “Remember, I don’t have any magic to help me.”

“Don’t worry about it! You’ll just be on the look-out for the hydra while I steal its treasure!”

“... _Hydra?!_ ”

It was indeed a hydra’s cave that they entered. Dipper promised it would be just like robbing a dragon. That didn’t really reassure Mika. It turned out she was right to be apprehensive. Hydras apparently always left one head awake. They were barely in the cave when one enormous clawed hand descended on Dipper, pinning him to the ground!

“You keep your claws away from from my nephew!” It was Ford. His voice echoed through the cavern but Mika couldn’t see where he was, not at first anyway. A moment later there was an ominous crackle in the air. 

Lightning shot out from a shadowy corner and hit the hydra square in the chest. The creature howled and all three of its heads turned in fury. A figure stepped out from the darkness, tall and imposing. It wasn’t merely Ford, the charming and shy man from the forest trail.This was Stanford Pines, the legendary and feared Warlock of Gravity Falls. The Man Who Nearly Destroyed the World. He had a fierce expression on his face like he could tear the hydra apart with his bare hands. More lighting played across his fingers and lit his face from below. It was clear that a storm was about to erupt in the hydra’s cavern.

Suddenly Mika froze with fear. This was man she’d come to find, the one she was risking her life to face, and he terrified her. She didn’t want to see his power unleashed. She didn’t want to be anywhere near this!

“Wait!” she yelled. “We’re not here to fight! Or steal anything!”

Stanford and the hydra paused. Even Dipper, still pinned underneath the hydra’s claws, looked up at Mika in surprise. “We’re not?”

“Erk?” said the hydra, as though to say _Really? What else would you be here for?_

“Well, um, of course not! We’re here…” Mika brighted with a sudden idea. She tried to make her voice as smooth as possible. “We’re here to offer a service!”

The hydra wasn’t going to be fooled so easily. It kept one head focused on each of them. Still, one head was all the attention she needed now that she had a plan. “Now, it’s clear you’re a beautiful specimen of hydra-kind, am I right?”

The creature nodded as though she had just stated the obvious. 

“But that means you’ve got three glorious necks to maintain! I mean, mine gets tired after a normal day of cleaning up the house, and I only have one!” Mika reached out carefully and gently touched the side of the hydra’s neck. “How would to have a professional triple neck massage?”

“Erk? Erk!” cried the hydra with all three heads. Which seemed to mean _Are you kidding? That would be amazing! You have no idea how sore I get._

Which was how each of them found themselves riding on the hydra’s necks, rubbing in their knuckles as hard as they could. (It turned out that hydra skin was _very_ tough.) After about an hour of this they were all very sore but entirely unclawed and uneaten, which was a plus. As payment for their services the hydra allowed them all to choose one item from its hoard. Ford chose an old coin, Mika picked a silver stick-pin, and Dipper selected a seemingly unremarkable silver ring, though Ford later congratulated him on finding an item with protective magical properties.

All the way home the three cheered over their victory. It made Mika sad when they reached the house again and she had to split off to get back her cleaning. Stan, Mabel, and Soos had managed to fill the sink with an impressive pile of dishes from making and sampling different varieties of ‘Mabel Juice’.

_It’s alright._ Mika reminded herself as she watched Dipper run off to tell the others about their adventure. _It’s not like I’m a part of the family. It’s okay that they have each other and I have the dishes. The important thing is that I survived. I’ve got to remember that. Always survive._

She had almost convinced herself she was comforted when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped and turned around quickly. Ford was standing behind her.

“May I help?” he asked, indicating the dishes.

“What?” She was confused. “Why would you? Don’t you pay me so you don’t have to worry about things like dirty dishes?”

Ford laughed. “Generally, yes. Today though, well, let’s just say you showed me that there’s still a benefit to not always doing things the easy way. I think I owe you some thanks for that.”

“Oh. You’re welcome?” Mika stepped back and let Ford get at the sink. “I really don’t understand what I did though.”

It was quiet for a few moments while Ford started sorting the dishes and considered his response.

“Do you remember this morning?” he finally asked. “When Dipper pleaded with me to come along and then expressed a wish that I could be like a parent to him?”

Mika nodded. “Are his and Mabel’s parents dead? Do you feel a need to fill those roles for them?”

“Not exactly.” He sighed and started scrubbing at a large pot. “My brother and I have been strange members of a fairly normal family for a long time now. Sometimes the townsfolk talk about us as if we grew up in some hellscape dimension or in the middle of a dark enchanted forest. The truth is, our childhood was on the coast of New Jersey. I’m the son of a pawnbroker and a phone psychic.”

“A real psychic?” Mika asked, trying to make sense of things. If Ford and Stan had been born and raised like normal children, then what had gone wrong?

Ford chuckled. “Hardly. No, our magic came...later. After we’d tempted fate one too many times. But that’s another story. The point is, we quickly grew a reputation as the weird, even dangerous ones in the family. We were lucky that Dipper and Mabel’s parents let us visit them at all.”

Then he paused, obviously burdened by something. What was more intriguing, and alarming, was the effect his mood had on the room around them. The lights dimmed. The air grew cold. Mika’s flesh crawled as she felt what seemed like a dozen invisible spiders crawl along her skin. 

_This is normal,_ she reminded herself. _Everything is normal._ And what was the normal thing to do here? She reached out and put a hand on Ford’s shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. He didn’t acknowledge the gesture, but the room did grow warmer again. 

“There was an accident,” he went on. “Stan...Stan and _I_ were showing off some of our more outlandish tricks. Things got out of control. The kids….” He paused for a very long moment. “They were hurt. We did everything we could to save them. We succeeded, but at a cost.”

There was a loud noise in the next room over that made Mika jump before she realized that it was just the sound of the kids playing a game. Kids that sounded so normal but, somehow, never would be again.

“Afterwards Dipper and Mabel were...different, strange in the way Stanley and I are. It was something we’d never wanted to wish on anyone. Their parents have never forgiven us, but at the same time they couldn’t stand to look at what remained of their own children either. We’ve raised them ever since.”

Mika stared in shock. “You mean their own parents just disowned them? After you saved their lives?!”

“More like after we damned them,” Ford said quietly. “Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that using magic recklessly can have dire consequences. Thank you for detering me back in the cave. Things could have gotten very ugly back there. 

“I…” she didn’t know what to say. A household of reckless magic users was exactly what she’d expected when she’d come to the Mystery Manor. She didn’t know what to think now that the truth was more complex. “You’re welcome.”

They finished dishes in silence, but together. 

Mika didn’t see Dipper’s ring again until several weeks later, at Halloween. She spent most of the evening beating back some shadowy, elk-headed monster that was causing a fuss, but she still found a brief moment to say hello to the children and meet some of their friends. 

Dipper was spending the night with Wendy and a handful of other teenagers that all looked nervous and excited to be there. One had even brought along his little brother. That one wore a cloak, a red cone hat, and a silver ring on a chain around his neck. He and Dipper sat next to each other for the entire night. Mika had a feeling that, if she happened to glance at the right time, she would be able to glimpse them holding hands too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Reverse Falls, where fun and tragedy come hand in hand. 
> 
> Please leave a review with any questions or comments that you have! I'd love to hear what everyone thinks!


	4. Mabel

**Chapter Four: Mabel**

“Hey, Mika! Would you like some Mabel Juice?” Mabel asked, appearing suddenly and upside-down in front of Mika by hanging from the staircase railing. She was holding an ominous pitcher of smoking liquid that she threw in Mika’s direction.

Mika jumped and just barely managed to catch the pitcher before it fell to the floor. Some of the Mabel Juice still managed to slosh out and hit the floor. Holes soon formed in the carpet. Mika stared at them for a long moment before politely declining Mabel’s offer. 

“I had a Pitt Soda with lunch,” Mika explained. “I think I’m all set for drinks. For the the foreseeable future. You never need to ask me again.”

“Oh well.” Mabel sighed and swung down to the floor. “It’s alright. I need you on your feet anyway. We have a crime to solve!”

“We do? And here I thought the laundry was the last thing on my to-do list today.” Mika smiled gently. She had been in the Mystery Manor for almost two months now. In that time she’d slowly gotten more comfortable with things like telling little jokes and poking fun at the family. So far she managed to avoid getting maimed for it. “So what’s the trouble?”

Mabel pushed her hair out of her face and indicated the top of her head. It was unusually barren. “My headband has gone missing! It’s been stolen!”

Her face was so serious that Mika couldn’t help but chuckle. “Really? Are you sure you didn’t just misplace it?”

“That’s what I thought at first,” Mabel said. “I took it off last night when Grenda and Candy came over and we were doing our Extreme Makeovers: Shapeshifter Edition. But then I was looking around this morning and I couldn’t find it anywhere!”

“Hmm,” Mika furrowed her brow. “And you wouldn’t be reckless with your headband, it’s got the amulet that lets you do magic on it.”

Mabel nodded. “Uncle Ford and Uncle Stan made those amulets for me and Dipper. They told us all about using the magic responsibly and keeping them with us all the time. I’m dead if I don’t find mine soon!”

“Alright, I’ll see what I can do to help you.” Mika looked around for somewhere to put the Mabel juice and set it down on a nearby end table that also started to smoke. Oh, well. There was hardly any furniture in the house that undamaged by magic anyway. Honestly, the Pines had a lot to learn in general about treating their things responsibly. 

They began to search the house from top to bottom, including a number of places Mika hadn't seen before. It turned out that Mabel and Dipper shared a room in the attic. Mabel's side held a number of gruesome stuffed animals that were actually _stuffed_ animals as well as an eerily accurate reproduction of Gravity Falls, complete with citizens. Some had boils or strange runes painted on them. Mabel assured her it was all for “match-making purposes”. Mika noticed a figurine of herself in the ‘to be matched’ pile. She quietly pocketed it for safe-keeping.

Dipper's side of the room was more horrifying. It was filthy! Journals and books lay all over the place surrounding a corkboard that featured a social web of Dipper’s friend group, some sort of gaming graphs, and faded drawings of the very amulet they were looking for. ‘What is its secret?’ the board read. His dirty laundry was also encrusted over the floor. Mika didn’t know what mystery she was most concerned with.

“How can he live like this?” She finally said. Normally Mika would keep that sort of thought to herself, but she wanted to take the chance to be a bit closer to Mabel who, in her way, seemed like the nicest member of the family.

“I know, right?” Mabel giggled. “He says that doing laundry is a waste of time and he’s always nerding out about the stuff on his corkboard.”

Mika looked at the board thoughtfully. “He wants to know the secret of your jewels?”

Mabel shrugged. “Uncle Ford says their just amulets of preservation and channeling that let us use our magic. Dipper thinks there must be more to it than that. If there is though, no one’s telling us.” 

“And what do _you_ think?” Mika asked gently. In her observations, the others didn’t often ask Mabel’s opinion when it came to the bizarre.

“Me?” Mabel considered the question. “I think...I think I miss our parents.” She slumped down onto her bed, for once not looking manically happy. “I love my uncles. They’re really great. I just miss being a normal girl sometimes too, y’know. Like I was before everyone was scared of me.”

Mika frown and sat down beside her. “Then why do you do all of these, uh, not normal things? Drawing runes, poisoning people, riding a wild boar…”

“Hey! You leave Waddles out of this!” Mabel pointed a finger at Mika that briefly fizzled with blue fire, not nearly as much as she usually displayed. Then she calmed down and leaned against Mika. “It’s only a sometimes thing. I _like_ having magic and I was never exactly really normal even before the accident. It’s just...When you have powers you want to use them. You start to expand with them until you aren’t just a person in a body. Uncle Ford could tell you a lot more about it. He says...He says...Oh, I don’t feel so good.”

Mabel bent for a moment like she was going to throw up. Mika patted her back with concern but Mabel waved her off. “Nah, it’s fine,” she said. She jumped up from the bed. “We’d better get back to searching!”

“Alright. Well it doesn't seem to be in here. Could the amulet be down in Dr. Pines lab?” Mika tried to make the question sound casual but she watched Mabel carefully for her response.

Mabel considered. “I guess we could take a look. It's the only place we haven't checked yet. In this dimension anyway.”

“Wait, what?” Mika asked but Mabel was already on her way out the door and down the stairs. Mika wished she could move that quickly. 

When Mika got downstairs she was only barely in time to see Mabel pulling out a sequence of books from the bookcase that covered the entrance to the lab. She hurried to make note of the books and their order. Seconds later the doorway opened and a cloud of mist spilled out into the room. It was dramatic and, like most things around the Pines, perhaps overly so.

There were three more doorways to get through to get to the lab. Mika was lucky to have a good memory because Mabel had to put in new combinations at each entrance. Finally they made it into the lab itself.

It was everything Mika had imagined. There were beakers and test tubes everywhere, some filled with strange smoking liquids, genuine tesla coils rippled with electricity, and a chalkboard was covered with a bizarre mix of equations and arcane symbols. Mika drank it all in greedily, trying to comprehend as much of it as she could. 

Unfortunately Ford was also there, poking at a strange, octopus-like creature with one large eye. He didn’t see them at first and Mabel didn’t bother to announce their presence. She just started looking around and under tables,sifting through papers, and being uncharacteristically quiet while she hunted. Once in a while she glanced in Ford’s direction, as though nervous to attract his attention. 

And then, without warning, Mabel collapsed on the ground. 

Mika cried out and ran to her side. “Mabel! Mabel what’s wrong?”

“Too weak…” Mabel managed to murmur.

In the meantime Ford still didn’t look their way from some notes he was taking down. He seemed entirely oblivious to the emergency. 

“Dr. Pines,” Mika called. Nothing. “Ford!”

“Now really isn’t the best time…” Ford began. Then he finally turned his head and saw Mabel sprawled out on the floor. “Oh dear. What’s happened? Did she try her own poisons again?”

Mika was begin to really panic. Mabel was no longer responding and Ford was acting like nothing significant was happening. “I...I don’t know! We were just looking around for that amulet she wears in her hair and she said she felt sick upstairs, but I didn’t think that she…”

“Wait. Mabel’s amulet is missing?!” Suddenly Ford leapt over one of the lab’s tables to crouch beside them. Now he actually looked worried. He examined Mabel’s scalp, as though the missing jewel would just appear there. “How long has she gone without it?”

“I don’t know.” Mika hesitated. “A few hours?”

 

Ford swore and immediately conjured blue flames in both his hands. He pressed the flames to either side of Mabel’s pale face. Luckily they didn’t seem to be the sort of flames that burned a person. Instead they started going directly into Mabel’s skin. 

“What’s going on?” Mika asked. “What does that amulet have to do with Mabel collapsing?”

“Mabel isn’t fully human anymore,” Ford said, his tone dark. “She and Dipper need to be constantly infused with magic to stay alive. She’ll die if she doesn’t get that amulet back soon! Hurry up and gather the others, we need everyone searching for it immediately!”

Mika paused, unsure of what she should do. “Well, we, uh, already searched the house pretty thoroughly. We thought maybe the amulet could be down here?”

“It’s unlikely, but you’re welcome to look. Just hurry. I can’t keep feeding my power into her forever.”

Mika nodded and immediately began searching the lab as thoroughly as she could within a few minutes. It was a room full of scientific and magical wonder and she only wished she could explore it longer. After five minutes though, she looked back and saw Ford’s face. Sweat was dripping from his brow. He looked genuinely scared. And then there was Mabel, already looking dead on the floor.

Mika tried to remind herself that these people were monsters. They held the people of the town in terror. Ford himself had nearly ended the world! It would be so easy to let there be one or maybe even two fewer Pines in the world. 

But strangely, that wasn’t a thought that sat well with Mika anymore, not the way it would have a few months ago. She couldn’t just let them die. For all their cruelty and strangeness they were people too, people who had shown her a bizarre sort of kindness.

So, finally, Mika pulled Mabel’s amulet out of her pocket. 

“Oh! Ford! Look, I found it!” Mika called, trying to keep her voice as innocent as possible. “It was just, um, in the corner.” She hurried over and handed it to Ford.

“Thank goodness!” Ford cried and he quickly attached the jewel back onto Mabel’s headband. It clicked like a piece falling back into place. A few twinkles of light spurted out of it and a few seconds later Mabel’s eyes opened.

“Am I...okay?” she asked.

Ford nodded. “You should be fine now. But were you doing without your amulet in the first place?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Mabel shrugged. “Dipper and I were just playing ‘Life or Death’ again. You know, the game where we hide each other’s amulets around the house? I think this was the best round yet!”

“Mabel, you nearly died,” Mika said in disbelief.

“Duh, that’s what makes it fun!”

Well, at least that explained why she’d come across Mabel’s amulet while cleaning. She just hadn’t known what stakes she was dealing with. A part of Mika whispered that she had done well today. She had found out how to get into Ford’s lab AND she now knew a weakness that Dipper and Mabel shared. Another part of Mika felt sick at what she had almost done to get that knowledge.

“‘Life or Death’ may be a fun game, Mabel,” Ford was saying, “but don’t play it with such high stakes in the future. Try using weapons to kill your brother. That’s what Stan and I do. Now, why don’t you go off and make sure Dipper isn’t dying too, alright?”

“Sure thing, Uncle Ford!” Mabel said cheerfully. She ran off like nothing had happened. Mika stared after her in utter bewilderment. 

Ford chuckled beside Mika. “That’s kids for you. They play the darnedest games.” He turned to her. “Thank you for saving my niece, Mika. That’s twice now you’ve saved a part of this family from our own vices. I think we owe you a lot.”

“O-Oh, that’s fine,” Mika stammered. But before she could say anything else, Ford pulled her into a tight hug.

“Really,” he said. “Thank you.”

And to Mika’s absolute horror, she felt her heart flutter at his touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like we've got some emotions stirring here. How sweet! And terrifying! 
> 
> Also, if you're enjoying this story I recommend my other GF works:
> 
> 1\. Rig Your Roll: A story of mystery, romance, and podcast shenanigans.
> 
> 2\. The Price of Love: My newest story about the Stans on a reality dating show! You know that crazy times will be had!
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading and any reviews you could give would be immensely appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! In case you're wondering, Mika is a main character in my story Rig Your Roll. In this story she, like all the other characters, has been 'reversed'. If you want to know more about her, feel free to read my other story!
> 
> Any comments, questions, or suggestions would greatly appreciated. I hope you continue to read as I post new chapters. I have some fun plans for this story!


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